Republicans vs Shaq's Penis
Since I haven't been able to write anything (sharable) for my page, I'm posting a conversation I have with this closet-racist "republican catholic" contact of mine. Now, see, I'm probably the complete opposite of this guy. He's like Archie Bunker without the good heart. I... I think I really wanna be Doctor Cox from Scrubs.
I don't talk to most people like this. When I talk to him, my goal is to make his ig'nant ass uncomfortable enough that he hesitates to contact me while I sharpen my skills against the blatently and shamefully ignorant.
So anyway, here's one of many conversations we've had, this is one of the few worth posting. It's got everything: humor, tragedy, double entrendres, nudity and in the end I die a little inside.
The names have been changed cuz this comes from my personal account.
This log is rated R for strong language. Strong like Shaq's penis.
RepubCath: Hey Pete
RepubCath: Remember my cousin that you met over the summer?
RepubCath: He became a dad yesterday, his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 15 days before the due date.
WilliePete: Well, maybe next time she'll hit closer to the target. Very close, though.
RepubCath: Fortunately the baby is healthy, thats all that truly matters.
WilliePete: Maybe, but what will it study in college?
WilliePete: I hope they can protect it from identity theft.
RepubCath: lol..first of all, she's a human being..so refer to her as "she", not "it"
WilliePete: So you're already assigning a gender role... assuming it's going to be a "STRAIGHT baby".
WilliePete: Though, I can't blame ya, I'd think she'd be happier straight.
RepubCath: I'm assigning a gender because she has a vagina
WilliePete: Wow. That's waaaaay more information that I ever wanted.
WilliePete: Tell ya what, though, in about 19 years, bring it up again. You'll have my attention.
WilliePete: Well, you look better. Not sick anymore.
RepubCath: umm, ok....not quite sure why I looked sick to you before
RepubCath: but whatever
WilliePete: You looked sick. I thought that was kinda explanitory, but...
RepubCath: no, that made about as much sense as your cracks that you make about you thinking I am gay
RepubCath: In other words, none at all
WilliePete: I base my humor on logical solutions. Hey, if the glass slipper fits...
RepubCath: Yes, but I didn't see any logic in your humor reguarding those two issues
WilliePete: Sounds like a personal problem : ) :P
RepubCath: Also, I looked on the internet reguarding Bruce Springsteens sexuality and found no real evidence that he is gay.
WilliePete: Wow. You're really hung up on his sexual preference. That's... a little strange.
RepubCath: Well you never gave me any facts to back up why he is gay. Whenever someone makes a revolution and doesn't provide the facts, that always leaves me in a place where research needs to be done.
RepubCath: In fact, you absolutely refused to tell me why you "knew" this about him.
WilliePete: I have to worry about why you're so curious about where he puts his penis, that's all.
WilliePete: You should look more to the music and less into his free time. That's the straight angle, really.
RepubCath: Well thats how I look at Elton John, Michael Stipe & Melissa Etheridge. But you are making some harsh accusations about Bruce's sexuality. Since he happens to be an artist that I listen to, of course I am curious as to whether what you say about him is true or not.
WilliePete: I think we should move on from the sexuality of people we're not sexually interested in; I don't mind if Bruce putts from the rough, that's his business.
WilliePete: Speaking of nudity, Barenaked Ladies may be coming around.
RepubCath: I don't mind what Bruce chooses to do, just feel bettrer knowing one way or the other. I've paid to see other artists who are gay, simply because I like their music. The Boss' sexuality won't change what I think about his music.
WilliePete: Awesome. So we'll consider the matter closed.
RepubCath: Okay, fair enough. Unless you truly have information which definitely proves Bruce is gay...from my research I say he is straight.
WilliePete: Though, I still wonder how big Shaq's penis is.
WilliePete: I mean, I've seen pr0n, he's got to be packing a small zepplin.
RepubCath: eww, thats something I don't want to think about
WilliePete: It's got to be like a tree trunk. I'm only curious cuz the man is freakin' huge.
WilliePete: Proportions are consistant...
WilliePete: Like a Subway footlong.
WilliePete: Rye, of course.
RepubCath: Like I said, I don't spend time thinking about other guys dicks
WilliePete: Neither do I, but this is an oddity I can't just avoid.
WilliePete: I mean, it's got to be like a Louisville Slugger.
RepubCath: I have no comment, but whatever floats your boat
WilliePete: It's not about the jewels, just the sheer size of the tree. I mean, I bet you could swing from the damn thing.
RepubCath: =-O I don't wanna think about it
WilliePete: Honestly, that's one man I'd hope wasn't gay. I'd hate to be the recipient of that lincoln log!
RepubCath: Maybe if I liked touching other dicks then that would be cool. But since I don't, I find the discussion rather disgusting.
WilliePete: I never said I wanted to touch it. I'm worried you're putting words into the conversation that weren't there.
WilliePete: I'm just having a simple query about a giant man's massive manacotti. Not touching it, just pondering it's immensity.
RepubCath: But I don't understand what the fascination is. Straight women don't talk like this about other womens brests, so it just seems a bit awkward.
WilliePete: How do you know?
WilliePete: Some of the straight women I know have talked to me about large (real) breasted women.
WilliePete: We decided that at some point it creates back problems.
RepubCath: I suppose I don't know for sure. But I have had plenty of conversations with femlae friends and never heard anything like that before.
WilliePete: There are some things I could say about that but I'll skip it for now, this isn't the conversation for those thoughts.
WilliePete: You know, I'd bet they covered giant peni' on the Man Show.
WilliePete: I've seen the ones on bosoms.
RepubCath: They probably did
WilliePete: I mean, it's got to be like a dark fire hydrant.
WilliePete: Minus the side valves, of course.
RepubCath: ok, thats enough already
WilliePete: I wonder if it counts as a human oddity, like a long tongue.
WilliePete: You know who has a really long tongue?
RepubCath: Gene Simmons from Kiss
RepubCath: Cher can move her tongue around all crazy, not sure how long it is though
WilliePete: I don't know if that would count as odd. A talant, sure.
RepubCath: I bet she gives good head
WilliePete: I wonder if Shaq could actually get head.
WilliePete: Probably split her skull like a snake.
RepubCath: I remember some of the whores at Newbury College, they would brag about how many bj's they gave various basketball team members
RepubCath: Bad enough they are so premiscuous, but on top of that they obviously have no self respect as white women having relations like that with a black guy.
WilliePete: So.... you have been thinking about interracial blowjobs. Huh.
RepubCath: I just remember that situation back in college
WilliePete: I have to wonder which race of woman has the jaw length for a Shaq blowjob.
RepubCath: the whore lived only a couple rooms down from me my freshman year
WilliePete: Mmm... jezebelles.
WilliePete: Nothing wrong with a bj when in need.
RepubCath: Black dick should stay out of white women, period.
WilliePete: Now I have to think about throat elasticity... If Shaq shot the pooch, would that kill the chick giving him head?
RepubCath: lmao, I have no idea
WilliePete: God, his load must be like a baggy of applesauce.
WilliePete: I don't mean sandwich baggy, I mean those Glad one-gallon ones.
RepubCath: that would be quite a load
WilliePete: I think I'm going to skip that, load size doesn't matter. And it's a little to amature pr0n for my taste.
WilliePete: ... but I bet he could dent a block of wood.
RepubCath: I'll just nod and say "okay" here, cuz I don't have anything else to say
WilliePete: Still, I mean, he's black, so I'd bet it was bigger than Andre the Giant's.
RepubCath: I get it, Pete..Shaq is tall so he has a big dick. Enough said.
WilliePete: Naw, I mean, I wonder about the size. It might not be that big, our bodies don't work like that.
WilliePete: Could be 13 inches long, could be 13 inches around. Or neither. You know what I'm saying.
RepubCath: arrgh, i am done talking about this
WilliePete: Roger that. I'll let you know if I get any real evidence. Speculation is such a demon.
RepubCath: ahh, ok
WilliePete: I just wish I could stop thinking about it every now and then.
RepubCath: Yeah, me too
WilliePete: You think about it too?? I knew it! Awesome, dawg!
WilliePete: I thought I was alone and you show up with the light.
WilliePete: Bonus points, my man.
RepubCath: No, meaning I wish you would stop talkiong about this
RepubCath: That won't happen unless your thoughts stop too.
WilliePete: Oh, harsh bud, man.
RepubCath: lol, its ok
WilliePete: I thought you had my back and you knife it. Mega-ouch.
WilliePete: Ah, well. You are who you eat.
WilliePete: I'm a pretty blond named "Samus".
WilliePete: I have impure thoughts about Samus Aran...
... Next time I'm gonna have to do a Mystery Science Theatre on it, there's so many inside thoughts I wanted to add but I needed to keep this short.