Issac (issac_becks) wrote,

Republicans vs Shaq's Penis

Since I haven't been able to write anything (sharable) for my page, I'm posting a conversation I have with this closet-racist "republican catholic" contact of mine. Now, see, I'm probably the complete opposite of this guy. He's like Archie Bunker without the good heart. I... I think I really wanna be Doctor Cox from Scrubs.

I don't talk to most people like this. When I talk to him, my goal is to make his ig'nant ass uncomfortable enough that he hesitates to contact me while I sharpen my skills against the blatently and shamefully ignorant.

So anyway, here's one of many conversations we've had, this is one of the few worth posting. It's got everything: humor, tragedy, double entrendres, nudity and in the end I die a little inside.

The names have been changed cuz this comes from my personal account.
This log is rated R for strong language. Strong like Shaq's penis.


RepubCath: Hey Pete

WilliePete: Yo

RepubCath: Remember my cousin that you met over the summer?

RepubCath: He became a dad yesterday, his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 15 days before the due date.

WilliePete: Well, maybe next time she'll hit closer to the target. Very close, though.

RepubCath: Yeah

RepubCath: Fortunately the baby is healthy, thats all that truly matters.

WilliePete: Maybe, but what will it study in college?

WilliePete: I hope they can protect it from identity theft.

RepubCath: lol..first of all, she's a human refer to her as "she", not "it"

WilliePete: So you're already assigning a gender role... assuming it's going to be a "STRAIGHT baby".

RepubCath: wtf?

WilliePete: Though, I can't blame ya, I'd think she'd be happier straight.

RepubCath: I'm assigning a gender because she has a vagina

WilliePete: Wow. That's waaaaay more information that I ever wanted.

WilliePete: Tell ya what, though, in about 19 years, bring it up again. You'll have my attention.

RepubCath: lol

WilliePete: Well, you look better. Not sick anymore.

RepubCath: umm, ok....not quite sure why I looked sick to you before

RepubCath: but whatever

WilliePete: You looked sick. I thought that was kinda explanitory, but...

RepubCath: no, that made about as much sense as your cracks that you make about you thinking I am gay

RepubCath: In other words, none at all

WilliePete: I base my humor on logical solutions. Hey, if the glass slipper fits...

RepubCath: Yes, but I didn't see any logic in your humor reguarding those two issues

WilliePete: Sounds like a personal problem : ) :P

RepubCath: Also, I looked on the internet reguarding Bruce Springsteens sexuality and found no real evidence that he is gay.

WilliePete: Wow. You're really hung up on his sexual preference. That's... a little strange.

RepubCath: Well you never gave me any facts to back up why he is gay. Whenever someone makes a revolution and doesn't provide the facts, that always leaves me in a place where research needs to be done.

RepubCath: In fact, you absolutely refused to tell me why you "knew" this about him.

WilliePete: I have to worry about why you're so curious about where he puts his penis, that's all.

WilliePete: You should look more to the music and less into his free time. That's the straight angle, really.

RepubCath: Well thats how I look at Elton John, Michael Stipe & Melissa Etheridge. But you are making some harsh accusations about Bruce's sexuality. Since he happens to be an artist that I listen to, of course I am curious as to whether what you say about him is true or not.

WilliePete: I think we should move on from the sexuality of people we're not sexually interested in; I don't mind if Bruce putts from the rough, that's his business.

WilliePete: Speaking of nudity, Barenaked Ladies may be coming around.

RepubCath: I don't mind what Bruce chooses to do, just feel bettrer knowing one way or the other. I've paid to see other artists who are gay, simply because I like their music. The Boss' sexuality won't change what I think about his music.

WilliePete: Awesome. So we'll consider the matter closed.

RepubCath: Okay, fair enough. Unless you truly have information which definitely proves Bruce is gay...from my research I say he is straight.

WilliePete: Though, I still wonder how big Shaq's penis is.

WilliePete: I mean, I've seen pr0n, he's got to be packing a small zepplin.

RepubCath: eww, thats something I don't want to think about

WilliePete: It's got to be like a tree trunk. I'm only curious cuz the man is freakin' huge.

WilliePete: Proportions are consistant...

WilliePete: Like a Subway footlong.

WilliePete: Rye, of course.

RepubCath: Like I said, I don't spend time thinking about other guys dicks

WilliePete: Neither do I, but this is an oddity I can't just avoid.

WilliePete: I mean, it's got to be like a Louisville Slugger.

RepubCath: I have no comment, but whatever floats your boat

WilliePete: It's not about the jewels, just the sheer size of the tree. I mean, I bet you could swing from the damn thing.

RepubCath: =-O I don't wanna think about it

WilliePete: Honestly, that's one man I'd hope wasn't gay. I'd hate to be the recipient of that lincoln log!

RepubCath: Maybe if I liked touching other dicks then that would be cool. But since I don't, I find the discussion rather disgusting.

WilliePete: I never said I wanted to touch it. I'm worried you're putting words into the conversation that weren't there.

WilliePete: I'm just having a simple query about a giant man's massive manacotti. Not touching it, just pondering it's immensity.

RepubCath: But I don't understand what the fascination is. Straight women don't talk like this about other womens brests, so it just seems a bit awkward.

WilliePete: How do you know?

WilliePete: Some of the straight women I know have talked to me about large (real) breasted women.

WilliePete: We decided that at some point it creates back problems.

RepubCath: I suppose I don't know for sure. But I have had plenty of conversations with femlae friends and never heard anything like that before.

WilliePete: There are some things I could say about that but I'll skip it for now, this isn't the conversation for those thoughts.

RepubCath: alrighty

WilliePete: You know, I'd bet they covered giant peni' on the Man Show.

WilliePete: I've seen the ones on bosoms.

RepubCath: They probably did

WilliePete: I mean, it's got to be like a dark fire hydrant.

WilliePete: Minus the side valves, of course.

RepubCath: ok, thats enough already

WilliePete: I wonder if it counts as a human oddity, like a long tongue.

WilliePete: You know who has a really long tongue?

RepubCath: Gene Simmons from Kiss

WilliePete: Exactly.

RepubCath: Cher can move her tongue around all crazy, not sure how long it is though

WilliePete: I don't know if that would count as odd. A talant, sure.

RepubCath: yeah

RepubCath: I bet she gives good head

WilliePete: I wonder if Shaq could actually get head.

WilliePete: Probably split her skull like a snake.

RepubCath: I remember some of the whores at Newbury College, they would brag about how many bj's they gave various basketball team members

RepubCath: Bad enough they are so premiscuous, but on top of that they obviously have no self respect as white women having relations like that with a black guy.

WilliePete: So.... you have been thinking about interracial blowjobs. Huh.

RepubCath: I just remember that situation back in college

WilliePete: I have to wonder which race of woman has the jaw length for a Shaq blowjob.

RepubCath: the whore lived only a couple rooms down from me my freshman year

WilliePete: Mmm... jezebelles.

WilliePete: Nothing wrong with a bj when in need.

RepubCath: Black dick should stay out of white women, period.

WilliePete: Now I have to think about throat elasticity... If Shaq shot the pooch, would that kill the chick giving him head?

RepubCath: lmao, I have no idea

WilliePete: God, his load must be like a baggy of applesauce.

WilliePete: I don't mean sandwich baggy, I mean those Glad one-gallon ones.

RepubCath: yikes

RepubCath: that would be quite a load

WilliePete: I think I'm going to skip that, load size doesn't matter. And it's a little to amature pr0n for my taste.

WilliePete: ... but I bet he could dent a block of wood.

RepubCath: I'll just nod and say "okay" here, cuz I don't have anything else to say

WilliePete: Still, I mean, he's black, so I'd bet it was bigger than Andre the Giant's.

RepubCath: I get it, Pete..Shaq is tall so he has a big dick. Enough said.

WilliePete: Naw, I mean, I wonder about the size. It might not be that big, our bodies don't work like that.

WilliePete: Could be 13 inches long, could be 13 inches around. Or neither. You know what I'm saying.

RepubCath: arrgh, i am done talking about this

WilliePete: Roger that. I'll let you know if I get any real evidence. Speculation is such a demon.

RepubCath: ahh, ok

WilliePete: I just wish I could stop thinking about it every now and then.

RepubCath: Yeah, me too

WilliePete: You think about it too?? I knew it! Awesome, dawg!

WilliePete: I thought I was alone and you show up with the light.

WilliePete: Bonus points, my man.

RepubCath: No, meaning I wish you would stop talkiong about this

RepubCath: That won't happen unless your thoughts stop too.

WilliePete: Oh, harsh bud, man.

RepubCath: lol, its ok

WilliePete: I thought you had my back and you knife it. Mega-ouch.

RepubCath: :-P

WilliePete: Ah, well. You are who you eat.

WilliePete: I'm a pretty blond named "Samus".

WilliePete: I have impure thoughts about Samus Aran...


... Next time I'm gonna have to do a Mystery Science Theatre on it, there's so many inside thoughts I wanted to add but I needed to keep this short.
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